Saturday, September 01, 2012

On The Darker Side of The Past, Present and Future

Ventiuno Leather Jacket from Belgium | Mango sheer v-neck top
Victor Bongator feather necklace | From Hongkong silver leggings
From Korea black oxfords

I'm here at home, lounging around, keeping myself busy but also stuck in the moment, while listening to Kelly Clarkson's Dark Side. This song sums up my week, my whole life even. 

Being a blogger, it is expected that you present your best behavior in the cyber world, in reality, heck at all times. You have to be punctual; be nice as hell and have the warmheartedness in you. I totally agree with the latter, of course you have to be nice, but when we move on to the former, hmm, I'm having second thoughts about it; I guess you can say that it is an understatement.

You see, I am heedful towards my imperfect-self. I am aware that I can be such a brat, maldita in our own language; when I hate someone, I WILL let that person know, one way or another; I've been called all the names in the  book, yeah, that's right I remember, I was once in a burn book (funny how irrelevant those people are to me in my whole existence); I bully people but not in the extremities you know, people bully me as well -- in a manner I also like (am I being weird? haha); I CAN be loud, it really depends on whom I'm with, also, I like creating karma for other people. I don't know, I guess I've been through a lot, especially in high school. That was the time wherein I had to fight my way in to be accepted -- pathetic right? Quite stupid if you ask me. If I had the chance, I would tell my high school-self to relax, breathe, shut up for Pete's sakes, and don't trust every person that you meet, you gullible girl! It's so amusing to think now that the "initiators/ traitors" were either a kabarkada of mine or merely an acquaintance, I guess double-crossers have hierarchical standards. But it's all in the past now - or not? For me it is. Some of the people I've had trysts with are now good friends of mine. I guess maturity built up on me. I know everyone has their bad side, we are all vulnerable when we get hurt or mad; but now, all the bridges have been burned. In fact, when my friends and I talk about the past, we just laugh about it and then we secretly quetch ourselves in our heads. Oh the humiliation that is HIGH SCHOOL. So immature. 

But you know what? I'm also satisfied that I was able to survive all the high school horrors I have experienced. It is true that experience is the best teacher after all. And hell yeah, I'm stronger.

Dear readers, I'm not trying to scare you ha. I'm just relating my piece to you. I know same as me, you have been going around, finding your way to know who you really are. But what matters most is loving every bit of you. You may not be perfect, you may actually scold yourself from time to time, but whenever you have your own quality time, you thank God for giving you the gift of self. 

And again, don't fret. I'm not as bad as you think I am. I just don't trust easily that's why sometimes I hesitate to open up to people. But when you get my kiliti, ayan na, lalabas na pagkakengkoy ko. You will be my forever friend and at the same time, I expect you to be a true one. In all fairness to me ha, I can say that I'm a generous person. When a friend needs something, either my time, company, advice, clothes, money I give or let them borrow. And that's one thing that I really love about me. Kaso lang, medyo madamot ako sa pagkain, pagkain lang naman, pagpasensyahan niyo na. haha. 

Also, I love meeting new people. I like to observe first then I usually scale the level of my behavior based on what you project -- if you are shy, I'll take it up a notch and ask you questions -- just to enlighten the mood.  And then if we do get along, then it will be the start of a beautiful friendship (*tears*). And what I love about myself is I adapt easily. I can be with friends with the loudest personalities up to the ones with modest lifestyles.

I believe everyone dislikes something in each friend they have. But it should never come to a point of a dictatorial friendship. We can not change their negative attitudes overnight. Everyone will have their own realizations in their own time. As for me, I'm so glad I have found goodness in my friends.

Let me tell you something about acceptance: One of my friends gave me a letter one day, I still read it from time to time because it makes me feel contented about myself- in the letter:  insists that I don't have to be perfect because I'm perfect in my friend's eyes. At first I didn't know the implication but gradually, I did. :) Thank you for that my friend. :)

So to sum up this dramafest blog entry of mine, I conclude that I'm not Miss Goody Two Shoes and probably so are you. We all have our vices, evilness and transgressions hiding in our closets but the truth of the matter is, you just have to accept that this is reality, love yourself and find the persons willing to love and take you despite of it all and who will be willing to see the far end of the spectrum. From there, you will have a happier life. :)

Anyhow, this is what I wore yesterday for our class pictorial. We added the blue feather necklace to spruce up the outfit. How ironic is it that our theme was Angels and Demons? haha Thank you Vic for the wonderful necklace you made!

Thank you Xedric Ng for taking the photos! :)



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